After the crash, there’s a Hans-shaped hole in Alice’s life that can never be filled. This is where it all begins.
General Warnings: AU. Gen. Oneshot. Suicide. Angst. Family. Dark thoughts. Spoilers for Deemo version 2.0 ending. Spoilers for the Little Girl and Deemo’s true identities. Short short. Tell me what other warnings I need to tag/mention.
Author’s note: Guess where the title came from? This was inspired by several conversations with @yuu33, who dragged me into Deemo hell a few months ago. Yuu, I’m not sure if you still like Deemo as much as before but I wanna share this with you since this is supposed to be a part of your loop-of-death verse. Actually wrote some of it pretty soon after our discussion about your loop-of-death theory but version 2.2 coming out was the final push to finish this lol. Didn’t write much but hopefully it fits.
After the accident, whenever Alice closes her eyes, she dreams.
Of gentle fingers brushing her brown hair with the ease of someone who has done it countless times. Of the hands that patch up her bleeding fingers when Alice thoughtlessly grabs a bunch of pretty, thorny cream roses. Those warm hands always effortlessly glide across a row of black and white and create breathtaking music beyond her comprehension.
And yet, as his gentle fingers curl around her waist before the impact hits them both for the nth time, those very hands paint red across her eyelids and inevitably plunges her in a never-ending nightmare.
Alice gasps awake, tears already running down her cheeks. She ignores the sound of her nurse’s approaching footsteps as she hastily scans her ward for any signs of life.
She’ll take anything,
Please, she pleads wordlessly, although she isn’t even sure herself to whom she is talking to. Please give my big brother back to me.
But just like the last time, Hans isn’t here when she wakes up.
2.
The first thing Alice asked after the accident was, “Where is my big brother?”
3.
“How are you feeling today, Alice?” they said.
The girl doesn’t respond, staring blankly out the window, cold fingers hold onto a slightly crumpled piece of paper.
There’s no Hans by her bedside today.
“I hate to tell you… but your brother is gone,” they said.
No. He can’t be gone.
At the back of her mind, she sees cream wool turn red all over again.
…He can’t be.
The letter in her lap crumples further.
If- If it’s true, then, there’s no point in doing anything, is there?
“Hans would want you to move on. To live,” they said.
But… how is she supposed to live without him?
Alice barely remembers what her parents looked like. It is always Hans, who cares for her when she falls sick, who makes her lunch to eat at school, who comforts her after she has a nightmare.
Who holds her hand when they cross the road.
(If Alice can turn back time, she will insist on walking without holding hands, using a different route, staying home. Anything. To stop Hans’ time from running out, she’ll do anything.)
(Why can’t Alice save him back then?)
Whenever she closes her eyes, all she can see is red. So much red, it crawls into her throat, blocks her airways, freezes her. It’s so cold, she can’t breathe.
Hans is all she has.
Without him, Alice is nothing.
4.
The sounds of weeping reaches her ears.
Alice stares at the casket before her, clad in black. Presses the mostly-white bouquet she made into Hans’ cold hands, a splash of red at its centre.
Calla lilies. Carnations. Daisies.
She watches from beneath her black umbrella as the casket is lowered into the ground, her hands fiddling with a single red flower.
Watches as its sister descends with him.
When the rain falls, a part of Alice isn’t surprised. Even the skies mourn for the loss of her brother.
5.
Alice didn’t remember how she got up there.
Only that she did, dressed in mostly-white.
6.
Jumping didn’t scare her.
Not when it meant she could see Hans again.
Nothing could scare her more than not having Hans by her side.
(If she could not save him… then she would rather join him.)
7.
Swirling winds harshly tousles her brown hair, the coldness biting into her cheeks, battering against her thin body as she draws ever-closer to the ground.
Slowly, Alice’s eyes slide shut in preparation for the final touch to her own bouquet.
8.
This is how it all begins, with a strange Little Girl who falls through a window into the gentle arms of a shadowy figure called Deemo, and a world, so fantastical, it is as if it can only exist in dreams.
Neither of them knows of Hans and Alice, until it’s too late and everything happens all over again.
I don’t think you understand how much this episode fucked me over
I remember watching this for the first time and I just screamed at my screen. I was so angry and hurting over this that I just left the room to cry. I also remember watching it with my brother and I remember him just staring at the screen in shock, he even paused it so that he could process what had just happened. This is the one scene that really really really killed us emotionally. And this was about 8 years ago and to date, it still makes me want to rage. I hate this scene so fucking much.
The first time I picked up a fullmetal alchemist manga book was back at my school in seventh grade. I got curious because I heard a lot of good things about it. I was just getting into it but then just screeched to a stop when I read this part. I actually just threw down the book and walked away because wow, this was some messed up shit. Three years later, I got curious again and read the whole thing. Yet I still struggled with this scene. It was so screwed up and I couldn’t look at my neighbor’s Labrador for weeks. So if anyone asks, this is the most shocking part of the entire series, hands down. Not the homunculus, not the idea of philosopher stones, no. This is the scene. And you can’t convince me otherwise.
After receiving positive feedback from our followers and people in the kenhina fandom, we have decided to go ahead with starting a kenhina week! The week will begin on Wednesday May 4th and end on Kenhina day, Tuesday May 10th. This special week is being organized by @kenmai and @tooruo, any questions regarding this event should be only sent to either of our personal accounts.
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